Skip to main content
7:00 pm
come on, everybody. we're going to the slaughterhouse. you didn't need to knock the food on the floor. didn't i? wow, it's even more wonderful than lisa said. oh, whoa, a complimentary basket of hooves. mm... beef salad, beef on the cob beef-fried beef. is there anything on the menu that isn't meat? ha. not likely. cool. even this menu is made of meat. it's an entire chicken pounded flat. how clever. the kids' menu's on the beak. hmm. i think i'll take... oh, that one. ( gunshot ) oh, he's a bit listless, isn't he? give me... oh, that spirited fellow. ( gunshot ) ( thud ) ooh. he didn't put up much of a fight. why don't you pick one for me? ( gunshot, thud ) on second thought i'll just have a glass of milk... from that cow.
7:01 pm
( gunshot, thud ) wait a minute. is this the biggest steak you've got? 72 ounces? i thought this was supposed to be a steak house not a little girlie, underpantsy, pink doily tea-party place. well, there is one steak that's only available by special request. we call it sir loin-a-lot. it's, uh, the size of a boogie board. ooh, i'll have that one. and to drink... meatballs. very good, sir. ladies and gentlemen this brave man has accepted the sir loin-a-lot challenge. he will pit his stomach against 16 pounds of indomitable tenderloin. ( applause ) they like me because i'm brave. only two people have ever finished the whole thing. uh, if you want some friendly advice, pal i wouldn't tackle the big one right away. oh, yeah? what do you know about it?
7:02 pm
it's you! you're him. you're tony randall. heh. red barclay's my name. i'm a trucker and i've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast. take my advice, this one's not for greenhorns. greenhorns? who's a greenhorn? what's a greenhorn? it's an insult. sock him, dad. sock everybody. oh, you're just jealous 'cause you don't have the belly for it anymore, mr. no-belly. mr. hasn't-got-a-belly. well, i have just finished a whole lamb, but... uh, i reckon i could take you to school. you're on, boy. ( shuddering ) is it safe to eat that much food, dr. hibbert? you know, i wouldn't have thought so before i bought 12% of this restaurant but now i feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest. but what if he chokes? oh-ho-ho! not to worry. we have the latest heimlich machine. ( hawking ) on your left...
7:03 pm
the pride of the american trucking industry reliable red barclay. ( applause, cheers ) and on your right, homer somebody. go! yeah! go, go! come on, homie! gluttons to your marks and... gorge! ( chanting ): chew! chew! chew! ( humming ) no, homer! don't fill up on bread! huh? oh, right. the steak. come on, dad, pick up the pace. chew and swallow-- no savoring. must eat beef. must defeat guy i just met. so much steak. lungs filling... sinuses packed with meat. come on, dad, just 12 more pounds. ( moans ) oh, humans are so ridiculous. he's not even halfway through walter and he's already hallucinating.
7:04 pm
( both chuckling ) lousy drunks. i'll show them! ( whimpers ) what's happening to me? there's still food, but i don't want to eat it. i've become everything i've ever hated. ( weeping ) ( satisfied grunt ) ( applause, cheers ) winner and still champion... reliable red barclay. my hat's off to you, red. you're a true american hero and you did it with style and dignity. and... hey, you're not breathing. don't people usually breathe? this man is dead. looks to me like beef poisoning. ( concerned murmuring ) probably from some other restaurant. ( relieved murmuring )
7:05 pm
you'd better take one of these, too. he's eaten quite a lot. there goes the finest trucker who ever lived. he called me greenhorn. i called him tony randall. it was a thing we had. in 38 years, he never missed a shipment but i guess this is one delivery old red won't be making. oh, yes, he will. and on time, too. oh, no. homer, no. i've got to, honey. i owe it to old red as his both friend and his killer. i want to go with you, dad. don't you have school? don't you have work? ah, touche. bye, marge. aren't you going to say bye? good-bye, homer. that didn't sound like you meant it. all right. good-bye, sweetheart. have a nice trip. that's more like it. so long, suckers! ( homer laughing )
7:06 pm
7:07 pm
 ( homer grunting ) homer: why you got to... ( grunting ) come on. ( grunting ) ah... now i'm getting the hang of this thing. i don't know why i didn't become a trucker before. well, you're not really a trucker now.
7:08 pm
oh, yeah? my left arm says different. well, according to red's schedule we have to make it to atlanta in three days. piece of cake. just need a little truck-driving music. ♪ if you want to be my lover ♪ you got to get with my friends... ♪ ♪ make it last forever yeah... the open road. that little punk. i'll teach him some manners. no, dad, he wants you to blow your horn. oh. that little punk! lisa, we got another postcard from your father. how many of these is he going to send me? wow, dad and bart have been everywhere. they've eaten submarine sandwiches grinders and hoagies. it's not fair. your father always gets to have such exciting adventures. maybe it's time we took a walk on the wild side. we're buying a new doorbell?
7:09 pm
a musical doorbell. ( creaking ) so many doorbells! i'm in way over my head. ( bell ringing ) ( grunting ) oh... great. look at my shoes... and today's my evaluation with senor ding-dong. excuse me, mr.... trainee. i'm trying to find a musical doorbell. ( laughing ): well... you came to the right place. we got your ding-dang-dongs and your do-re-mis and your, uh, ha-cha-chas, huh? ( laughing ) ( humming ) i'm trying to find a particular tune. it's the one that goes like... ( tuneless humming ) mom, is this the one you want? ( tones playing "close to you" ) yes, that's it! lisa, you ought to be a doorbell salesman. oh, that's just what i need-- another piranha in the tank. the light's on. all systems are dingdong.
7:10 pm
come on, mom. let's take it for a test drive. oh, it's not a toy, lisa. we'll just have to wait until someone comes. anyone? anyone at all? oh! milhouse is selling seeds and he's coming this wa... oh, the birds got him. ( screaming ) not the face! if your father was here, there'd be process servers repo men and bounty hunters to beat the band. wait! people are coming! i think they're jehovah's witnesses! yes! wait, marlon. you know, i just had a thought. maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion. what if we don't have all the answers? you're right, noreen. let's go get real jobs. ( grumbling ) i would have feigned interest. still no visitors. it's time we opened up a can of whup-tushy on this situation. what's the number for luigi's? dad's got it on the speed dial under "fire."
7:11 pm
this is it, honey. we did it. damn it! ring the bell! why? you already know i'm here, don't you? just do it. nothing doing, missy. now, do you want your half-order of garlic bread or not? no, but if you'll just ring the... ( tires screeching ) oh, that's it. i'm putting an end to this. lisa, no, no, don't! ( playing "close to you" ) oh... it's heavenly. ♪ why do birds suddenly appear ♪ ♪ over there... ♪ over here... why is it playing over again? who cares? no one could ever get sick of this song. ♪ suddenly appear... ( chewing noisily ) woman: you mean... it ate patrick, too? it ate everybody. what about... erika? it ate everybody! it ate everybody! stupid! i bet old red caught himself a mess of catfish with these fishing sticks.
7:12 pm
uh-huh. bet he used bait, too. relax, boy. we're ahead of schedule. actually, we have to go 2,200 miles in ten hours. ten hours?! we got to roll! uh, yeah, i need something that'll keep me awake, alert and reckless all night long. well, congress is racing back to washington to outlaw these. sold! hey, you can't take that many pep pills at once. no problem. i'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills. okay, we're all set. let's put the pedal to the metal! i wholeheartedly agree. oh, man, i'm really wired. this is a big mistake. i can... oh... here comes the sleeping pills. so drowsy. pep pills perking up again. i could drive all... night. ( snoring )
7:13 pm
7:14 pm
7:15 pm
7:16 pm
3 ( signal bell dinging )
7:17 pm
( mumbling ) ( screaming ) i fell asleep at the wheel! but we didn't crash. ( gasps ) it's a miracle. you'll never believe what happened. i fell asleep at the wheel and the truck drove here by itself. yeah, that navitron auto-drive system's made our jobs cushier than ever. the what, now? you know, this thing. with this baby driving your truck for you all you got to do is sit back and feel your ass grow. the trucks drive themselves? shh... hey, hey, shh... didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going? well, i'm not really a trucker so i don't talk to the rep that often. all right, listen, pal, here's the deal-- you stumbled on a secret that only truck drivers are supposed to know. ( laughing ) hey, pay attention and stop looking at that squirrel. we get 40 bucks an hour to drive these rigs. you think anybody'd hire us if they knew we weren't really driving the trucks? wow! you guys are even lazier than me! well, don't worry.
7:18 pm
i'll keep your secret. see that you do. hey, bart, watch me run down this old lady. dad, no! ( beeping ) ( tires screeching ) ( laughing ) the second i let go of the wheel this little wonder kicks in... and if scaring old ladies don't float your boat, watch this. ( grunting ) come on out, boy! it's windy! wow, you're right, dad! it is windy! hey, look, nobody's driving! what's that? well, will wonders never cease? relax, everybody. the navitron auto- drive system is driving the truck for me but keep it a secret. it's a big scam, okay? what the hell...? breaker, breaker, looks like we got us a 10-38.
7:19 pm
uh... 10-38. uh... let's see. uh, "outsider blabbing about auto-drive system." well, we'll have to teach our friend some discretion. yeah, just like we did to jimmy hoffa. ( laughs ) hey, shut up! calling all big rigs. motormouth on highway seven. you know what to do. 10-4. that's a big 10-4. what? ( "close to you" playing ) mom, i need to get some sleep. i have a test tomorrow in birds suddenly appear. i mean, english. okay, okay, let me just get the wire cutters. oh... your father traded our tools for m&m's again. oh, the heck with it. ( grunts ) ( music playing louder and faster ) ( dogs howling ) ( howling continuing ) look, son. it's one of nature's most beautiful sights-- the convoy.
7:20 pm
he hit us. oh, i should've known. they're hazing us to initiate us into the truckers' fraternity. thank you, sir. may i have another? ( crash ) dad, they're trying to kill us. oh, why do all my trips end like this? eat water, good buddy. ( screaming ) whoa, look at him roll! ( grunting ) oh, my good knife! my wife's going to kill me. dad, stop! ( tires squealing ) well, well, well... looks like we got ourselves a showdown, boy. all right. dad, what are you doing? i'm keeping a promise to an american roadmaster. huh? red. the trucker. big fat guy... couldn't handle his steak? oh, yeah. we'll get past
7:21 pm
that barrier somehow. ol' blinky here will find a way. i'm afraid i can't let you do this, red. the risk is unacceptable. i'm not red. i'm homer. got to go. uh-oh. ( screams ) dad, do something. something better! ( tires screeching ) ( homer grunting ) woo-hoo! now that man is a genuine steel-belted, gear-jamming rig jockey. boy howdy! that's a fact. what? boy, you can say that again. you know, boys, i been thinking. maybe it's time we ditched the high-tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did. drunk? no! n-no... using our hands and our wits. yeah, sure, it's hard work and it's lonely as hell but it has meaning and dignity. huh? what do you say?
7:22 pm
nah. let's just find some other scam. yep, you're going to make it, dad and somewhere up there, i bet red is saying "thanks." 10-4, dead buddy. this is red barclay's shipment-- on time, as always. all right, let's see... artichokes... and migrant workers. looking good. so, where is old red, anyway? well, the last time i saw him he was in a big plastic bag. ( laughs ) yeah, that sounds like red, all right. well, son, i guess it's time to go home. any thoughts on how we're going to get there? no, but i'm sure the good lord will provide. are you crazy?! i'm not driving a trainload of napalm to springfield! thank you.
7:23 pm
( shouting angrily ) i'm really sorry, everybody, but i've tried everything. i'm afraid we're just going to have to learn to live with it. no, no, no, no dice! all right, chimey this time, the bell tolls for thee. ( crowd gasping ) ay-yi-yi! senor ding-dong! i thought you were just a marketing gimmick. there was a time when that was true but now... i am so much more. ( music stops ) ( crowd cheering ) oh, my. gracias, senor. ide nada! if you ever need me, just ring. ( grunts ) ( starter chugging ) does anyone have any jumper cables? ( starter chugging ) oh, you stinking chevy! are you flo? yes. is this the thing you gave my husband? well, yeah, yes. the "name your price" tool.
7:24 pm
you tell us the price you want to pay, and we give you a range of options to choose from. careful, though -- that kind of power can go to your head. that explains a lot. yo, buddy! i got this. gimme one, gimme one, gimme one! the power of the "name your price" tool. only from progressive.
7:25 pm
7:26 pm
7:27 pm
oh, boy. what? i can't comment without
7:28 pm
violating our agreement that i not criticize your work. then what was "oh, boy"? great restraint on my part. there's nothing wrong with the science here. perhaps you mean a different thing than i do when you say "science." okay, how's that? you actually had it right in the first place. once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks. bazinga! now, here's a peculiar e-mail. the president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. why? doesn't say. must be an emergency. everyone at the university knows i eat breakfast at 8:00 and move my bowels at 8:20. yes, how did we live before twitter?
7:29 pm
i guess you'll find out what it is in the morning. that's 14 hours away. for the next 840 minutes, i'm effectively one of heisenberg's particles. i know where i am or i know how fast i'm going, but i can't know both. how am i supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head? yeah, i know the feeling. ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ we built the wall ♪ we built the pyramids ♪ ♪ math, science, history, unraveling the mystery ♪ mystery ♪ ♪ that all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ bang! ♪ no-charge scheduled maintenance. check. and here's the kicker... 0% apr for 60 months. and who got it? this guy. and who got it? this guy. and who got it?
disc Borrow a DVD of this show
info Stream Only
Uploaded by
TV Archive
on 8/20/2013